Social Media Sobriety

Chemical dependency is only one of many addictions people suffer from in very real and debilitating ways.  In my journey of self discovery I have learned that social media is an addiction I can not feed any longer, at least for today.

The danger of social media is access.  Access people have to you and access you have to the underbelly of society, and there really is an underbelly of society.  I have learned this first hand. Shocker...there are people out there who have no qualms about tearing you down or using you to tear others down.  I equate some elements of social media with the street corner on skid row.  You can find anything and everything, or worse...it can find you.

Let me pause right here and say that there are some really good people on social media.  I've "met" a few myself, that I believe have only good intentions and are genuinely good people.  The "good" ones have a goal or a message and do not stray from it.  They refuse any and all negativity and focus only on positivity and/or their message, whether it be business, sobriety, spirituality or just fun.  In all likelihood, they are the same way in "real life".

For someone such as myself, an addict, anything that can cause or be a trigger must be dealt with. Just as in "real life", conflict online can cause an addict to withdraw and pull away from the safety measures we put in place to protect our sobriety.  Once that happens we are one trigger or event away from relapse.

I may go back to social media at some point but for now I choose to consider it a trigger for me.  I may be naive but I generally tend to trust people.  Unfortunately, the only one who cares as much about my sobriety as I do, is me.  Because of that, I choose social media sobriety.  I am on week 2.

Sharing is caring

I believe that I have a responsibility in recovery to share my story, you never know who it may help. I was asked to be interviewed for a podcast dealing with recovery.  I have never done anything like that and to be honest was a little nervous about it.  The addict in me worries about silly things like how I sound or what will people think.  Sober me hopes that by sharing my story I can help someone who shares the same struggles I do.  Nevertheless, here is a link to that interview.

http://www.100pedals.com/answering-the-recovery-wake-up-call-2/

Cycling & Recovery: A perfect analogy.

Maybe I'm weird but I always look for life applications in the things that I enjoy doing.  If something is worth investing my time and energy in, there should be some take away that I can grow from or use to better myself.  Cycling is a big one for me.  I have biked for over 25 years, seen my share of ups and downs and learned a few lessons along the way.  First some cycling lingo so you won't be lost as you read.

Club Ride: An organized ride hosted by a bike club, usually 2-3 times a week.
Peloton:  The mass of riders that stay grouped together for the duration of the ride.
Break Away:  One or more riders who jump off the front of the peloton at a faster pace.
Sweep:  Stronger riders who move to the back to encourage weaker riders to finish.

Nothing is as exciting to a cyclist as the club ride.  The energy of a group of athletes setting out on a 30+ mile ride is intoxicating.  You can feel the adrenaline pumping even before you lock onto your bike.  The first few miles generally set the tone for the entire ride....are we gonna hammer (hit it hard from the start), are we gonna just spin (moderate pace, enjoying the experience) or are we gonna get into the ride and flex our muscles a little bit so as to try and impress.  The older I get the more I enjoy spinning but I can still flex my muscles when the mood strikes.

5 or 6 miles in, everyone has pretty much settled into a rhythm and the peloton moves enmass towards our next turn or hill.  Now generally, I could be happy moving as a group the entire ride and all finishing at roughly the same time, however...there are always a few who want to test the limits of the group and jump out front to break away from the group or try to up the speed of the group. Some of those brave riders are strong enough to pull away and leave the group behind, but most of the time they usually tire and settle back in with the group.  At or close to the end of the ride some of the stronger riders generally turn around and ride back to sweep up the weaker riders ensuring that no one is left out alone.  One of the greatest advantages to club rides is the encouragement we can give each other over the hills, on long straight aways or when we are not having a good day on the bike.

So...How does this translate into my recovery?  There are a lot of us in recovery.  We have a bond that transcends race, gender or religion.  In recovery, just like cycling, there is a group of people (club ride) with the same struggles, and we always try to push, encourage or help another addict to become stronger in their recovery.  Sometimes we feel strong and try to break away but usually we end up settling back in with the group (peloton) to help get us home.  There are some who can make it and stay sober without a support team but most need support of some kind.  And with a group, there are always some who may have weak periods in their sobriety.  There will always be stronger folks to ride back and sweep the weaker ones back in.

It is vital, especially for people new in recovery, to connect with a group of like minded people who share the same goal of living a happy and sober life.  On our own, the ride can appear impossible. Together we can climb any hill and cross any distance.

Ride on and stay sober!

Surrender to gain Victory

Surrender is not a word we associate with victory.  How many victors ever won a battle by surrendering?  In fact we almost always associate surrender with defeat or giving up control of something we fought to keep.  Surrender in battle...lose the battle.  Surrender in a game...lose the game.  Any way we slice it, we equate surrender with loss.  With surrender often comes heavy emotions, feelings of failure, loss and sense of purpose.  When I think of one who surrenders, I picture slumped shoulders, on their knees, tears in their eyes and a look of loss.  Like all the joy of life has been sucked out of them.

I spent many years playing at life, never thinking my actions had consequences.  Well, logically I knew there could be consequences but I thought I was smart enough and had enough control to get around any potential consequences should I ever have to face them.  Only when I found myself on my knees, joy and sense of purpose long gone, did I realize, I can't win.  I am defeated.  My opponent too strong.  To continue the battle thinking I could win meant death.

At 43, I surrendered.  I gave my addiction to God.  I had become a demoralized, defeated man.  I admitted that my life was unmanageable and realized that only a power greater than me could defeat a disease that was stronger than me.  I had tried many times, always with the same result...try again tomorrow.  I had to start over.  I had to surrender myself and my addiction to God.

In addiction, just like spirituality, surrender is essential.  When I decided that I could not do this on my own, that I needed intervention from my Higher Power, only then could I be free of the burden of fighting this battle by myself.  Surrender gave me a renewed sense of purpose.  Surrender gave me a renewed feeling of joy.  Surrender gave me a new life.

I found victory in surrender, but this does not mean my battle is over.  What my surrender does mean is that I now face this battle with a power that is far greater than my disease. This battle no longer belongs to me, it belongs to God.

Gratefulness

Some days life lessons slap you in the face.  Today I got slapped.  Early this morning I stopped in a convenience store for a cup of coffee.  When I got to the check out, I noticed a familiar face in line ahead of me.  An old friend from my drinking days.  I hadn't seen him in a few years because in sobriety it sometimes becomes necessary to change our circle of friends.

He looked nervous and a bit agitated.  By his dress I could tell he had just gotten out of bed, threw on a robe and drove to the store to purchase a 6 pack of beer.  He had the shakes and still reeked of the alcohol he drank the night before.  I lowered my eyes hoping to get out of there without him noticing I was behind him.  No such luck.  As he went to pay, he noticed me.  I smiled and asked him how he was doing.  Looking embarrassed he said "oh, about the same".

Something in his look reminded me of where I had come from.  He was me not too many years ago. Suddenly I felt ashamed that I had hoped he wouldn't notice me.  A voice inside was telling me to reach out.  I hugged him and told him if he wanted a better way to live, I would always be there for him.  We both paid and went to our cars and parted ways.  I don't know if or when I will see him again.

As I drove away I remembered all those mornings that I would wake up groggy and hungover, already starting to plot a way to get through the day to my next drink.  A sudden feeling of gratefulness overcame me and I teared up.

I am grateful to be alive.  I am grateful to be sober.  I am grateful for my children.  I am grateful someone reached out to me.  I am grateful for grace.  I am grateful for second, third and fourth chances.

May I always have the strength to reach out when I see someone in need and may I never forget how far I have come.

Living with regret

I was thinking last night about regret and how spending too much time living in regret can be a weighty burden.  I was thinking about regret in context with my relationship with my kids.  There are many times I was physically at events my kids were involved in, but I wasn't mentally or emotionally there.  Ballgames, plays, recitals...there, but not there.

I often determined how long I would stay or even go at all, based on whether or not I could take a stash of booze or drink enough to make it through.  I was the dad that always had a styrofoam cup handy, convinced I was the only one who knew.  The thing is, I was fooling very few people.  Most everyone knew I was drinking.

Now that I am sober, I cringe thinking about the things I did just so I could drink.  Regrets, I have many, but if I focus on those I will get stuck there.  There is a saying in recovery that I am learning to live by.  "It is okay to look back, just don't stare".  By looking back I can remember how bad things got but if I stare those things might pull me back in.

Regret can be a sobriety killer.  Regret can trick you into believing you are not good enough, that you are only as good as your last failure.  How can you grow if you spend time beating yourself up for the should of's and I wish I had's that we all have?  I can't change the past and I can't control the future, but I can be present and accounted for today.  Today I choose sobriety and clarity so that I can be the kind of father my kids need and want me to be.

These days I go to everything I can that my kids are involved with.  I do it with a sense of peace that my kids know I am not only there, I am THERE.

Making amends, why it is important.

Most addicts, admittedly or not, leave a wake of hurt and damage behind that even recovery wont fix. Sure, getting sober is great, but what of the damage we caused getting there?  One of the cornerstones of addiction is selfishness, and where there is selfishness there is pain.

The first step in making an amends is acknowledging that you hurt someone.  I know that during my active addiction and even today in recovery, I hurt people.  Its not something I am proud of but it is a fact of life that we all either intentionally or unintentionally hurt other people.  It is because we are flawed and selfish beings.  Being in recovery does not mean you will never hurt anyone again.  What it does mean, hopefully, is that when we do, we acknowledge the hurt and try to make it right.

The second step in making amends is to take action.  Taking action is where the rubber meets the road so to speak.  Having acknowledged I wronged you, let me try to make it right.  I highlight "try" because sometimes no action or no apology can right a particular wrong.  Sometimes all we can do is acknowledge our wrong and try to do the "next right thing".

The final step in making amends is to change the behavior that led you to do the wrong.  Most behavior is learned so in order to change, we must "unlearn" the bad behavior and replace it with positive behavior.  This is not an easy task, especially if we spend years/decades in our bad behavior. Learned behavior becomes habit, our "go to" behavior.

Why is this important, can't one just stop drinking or using thus making things better?  If we do not change the behaviors in our lives that are "defective", they will become our default behavior. Stopping substance abuse is just one step on the road to recovery.

Real recovery comes when the flaws that may have been factors in our addiction have been replaced with affirming and positive behaviors.  The computer analogy of "bad info in = bad info out", is true of us too.  In order for us to be a positive force in our circles we must absorb positive and allow it to become part of who we are.

In reflection, I realize I may never be able to right some of the wrongs I have committed.  That hurts. But what I can do is resolve to do the next right thing.  I will acknowledge when I have wronged someone.  I will take action to right that wrong.  I will try to change the behavior that led to that wrong.