Making amends, why it is important.

Most addicts, admittedly or not, leave a wake of hurt and damage behind that even recovery wont fix. Sure, getting sober is great, but what of the damage we caused getting there?  One of the cornerstones of addiction is selfishness, and where there is selfishness there is pain.

The first step in making an amends is acknowledging that you hurt someone.  I know that during my active addiction and even today in recovery, I hurt people.  Its not something I am proud of but it is a fact of life that we all either intentionally or unintentionally hurt other people.  It is because we are flawed and selfish beings.  Being in recovery does not mean you will never hurt anyone again.  What it does mean, hopefully, is that when we do, we acknowledge the hurt and try to make it right.

The second step in making amends is to take action.  Taking action is where the rubber meets the road so to speak.  Having acknowledged I wronged you, let me try to make it right.  I highlight "try" because sometimes no action or no apology can right a particular wrong.  Sometimes all we can do is acknowledge our wrong and try to do the "next right thing".

The final step in making amends is to change the behavior that led you to do the wrong.  Most behavior is learned so in order to change, we must "unlearn" the bad behavior and replace it with positive behavior.  This is not an easy task, especially if we spend years/decades in our bad behavior. Learned behavior becomes habit, our "go to" behavior.

Why is this important, can't one just stop drinking or using thus making things better?  If we do not change the behaviors in our lives that are "defective", they will become our default behavior. Stopping substance abuse is just one step on the road to recovery.

Real recovery comes when the flaws that may have been factors in our addiction have been replaced with affirming and positive behaviors.  The computer analogy of "bad info in = bad info out", is true of us too.  In order for us to be a positive force in our circles we must absorb positive and allow it to become part of who we are.

In reflection, I realize I may never be able to right some of the wrongs I have committed.  That hurts. But what I can do is resolve to do the next right thing.  I will acknowledge when I have wronged someone.  I will take action to right that wrong.  I will try to change the behavior that led to that wrong.

A bumpy road

Today I celebrate 6 years of sobriety.  I would be lying if I said it was an easy road.  I've lost my marriage, lost most of everything I have ever owned and had to change my entire (almost) circle of friends. But that's okay, I am alive and gratefully sober.

When I decided I wanted to become sober, I really did not have a choice.  I was at the lowest point in my life.  I had finally gotten to the point that my life was truly unmanageable and I was completely out of control.  The only way out was up, and it was no easy climb.  I will probably spend the rest of my life still crawling up.  Gone (for today) are the hangovers, the gaps in time I can not remember or explain and the excuses I had to constantly make for my behavior.  To some people I will always be "that guy who couldn't handle his liquor".

Addiction is a disease that cripples 10% of our population, but impacts every one of us in some way. If we look hard enough, we all have an addict in our lives, either a family member or someone we know.  The level of impact may be different for some, but we are impacted none the less.

As a recovering addict let me say, we don't mean to harm anyone.  It is an unfortunate truth that we do end up hurting the very people we would die fighting to protect.  The disease is in control. The disease makes our decisions.  The disease makes us blind to our actions.  All we do, we do for the next drunk or high.

I do not miss living in a fog.  Even if I never regain the things I lost, I am in a much better place than I was 6 years ago today.  My children have a sober, happy dad.  I am much less willing to judge someone for the things they deal with in life.  Instead of looking at life through the lenses of addiction, I can look at life through the lenses of grace and forgiveness.  We all have struggles, every single one of us, and we all have a deep desire to be the best we can be.  "Normal" people face those struggles head on.  Addicts like myself use our addictions to escape those struggles.

If you are an addict, seek out someone in recovery.

Today, I am who I am because of my addiction.

Dare to share

I had a totally different topic I was going to write about but as with all my other plans in life, God sometimes has other ideas.  So, instead of forcing my way, which is usually the norm, I decided to get out of the way and write about what He keeps whispering in my ear.

One of the great things about being in recovery is the understanding and empathy that comes along with the healing.  This morning, as I was getting ready, I got a message that someone I have only a passing acquaintance with was in trouble and didn't know where to turn.  Now, normally I would have might have been annoyed or thought I was too busy, but something inside me said "get involved".

After quickly getting my kids breakfast, I called this person...not know exactly what to expect. After spending just a few minutes on the phone, I knew exactly what needed to be done and made the appropriate calls.

I write this not in a boastful way because I am nothing special and I haven't been formally trained. I have what I like to call "street cred"....been there, done that.  What this reminded me of is the importance of using the gift of sobriety to not only better myself, but to share it and hopefully help someone else along the way.

When an addict is in crisis or comes to the realization that they are not in control, they usually are not in a position to either make decisions or trust the ones they make.  That is where someone who is in recovery can be of more help than a family member or loved one.  Being a step removed provides a helicopter view of the situation and one can react not from emotion, rather from facts.

If you or someone you care about is an addict and don't know where to turn, seek out someone in recovery.  The best advice and counsel can come from someone who has been through the fire and made it to the other side.

If you are in recovery, share the gift you have been given.  For to keep it, we must give it away. Dare to share your recovery.

Life gets real...real fast!

A friend asked me the other day, how my life has changed now that I have been sober 6 years.  I think my friend assumed I would answer with something like "so much easier" or that the things that paralyzed me with fear "vanished the day I got sober".

When I was drinking, I could easily ignore life's daily struggles that most people take in stride.  I could easily escape into my own intoxicated world and pretend that everything was okay.  It was in fact my inability to manage my life that kept me in the addiction cycle.  The more I stressed, the more I drank.  The more I drank, the more I stressed, a never ending cycle of running from life.

Fast forward 6 years.  As I reflect on the original question of how my life has changed, I realize that life is hard with clear eyes and clarity.  I worry about money. I worry about my kids.  I have stress at work and stress at home.  The "things" in my life have not changed, how I face them has.  Instead of escaping and hiding in a bottle, I actually have to face life like a grown up.

So my answer to the question is that life is both harder AND more joyous without my crutch.  My life is not necessarily harder or more joyous than anyone else's, but feeling it for the first time is surreal.  And I am grateful for that because just as the stresses are more real, so are the joys in life.

Recovery does not teach us how to "not drink". Recovery teaches us how to live life sober.  I don't think I would change my life if I could, it has made me who I am today.  For some of us it takes being in the pit and crawling out on our hands and knees to realize the fullness and beauty of life.  The scars I gathered along the way are a reminder of where I came from and where I could be again if I do not keep looking up.

Who can become an alcoholic?

Everyone of us, regardless of gender or race, have a biologically set "trigger level" for addiction.  A line in the sand, that if crossed, will send us into addiction.  Why then can some people go through life seemingly as "normal" drinkers, and some of us drink just a few times and we are hooked?

First, let it sink in that EVERYONE has the potential of becoming an alcoholic...

While there may be several contributing factors, there are two that I believe are the strongest indicators of a persons "likelihood" for addiction.  1. genetics and 2. quantity and frequency of use.

First, with genetics our "trigger levels" are set.  We can't change them, they just are what they are. If there is a family history of addiction, particularly a parent, the likelihood of addiction is increased 4 times.  In this case, one would have a lower "trigger level", meaning it would take less abuse to send that person into addiction.  If there is no family history of addiction, a person would have a higher "trigger level", meaning it could take a lot of abuse before one became addicted.

Second, quantity and frequency.  By that I mean how much and how often one consumes alcohol. Consider two examples.  Person A has a glass of wine with their dinner most nights but usually does not drink otherwise.  Person B drinks several drinks, several times a week and may drink heavily on the weekend.  Person A may very well go their entire life following this same pattern and never have a problem.  Person B will likely find that the longer he/she continues their pattern that either the frequency or the quantity consumed will increase over time pushing them closer to, or even over their "trigger level" for addiction.

Only by taking an honest look at ourselves can we truly know our risk for addiction,  If we know our family history and know our drinking patterns, we can predict with some accuracy our risk level for addiction.

So what is the answer?  Who can become and alcoholic?  Under the right circumstances, and using poor judgement....anyone can become an alcoholic.

JUST STOP....Why alcoholics can't "just stop"

If you are reading this and you are an alcoholic, chances are you’ve heard, “just stop drinking and your problems with alcohol will go away”.  Most people who use “just stop” as a solution to our drinking problems probably do mean well.  The problem is that most people do not understand addiction and the disease that cripples 10% of our population.  Most people view the disease of addiction as a “lack of will power”  instead of the physical disease that it really is.

If you are not an alcoholic and you are reading this, be patient and I will try to explain why “just stop” does not work and will probably drive a wedge between you and the person you desperately want to help.

First, toward the end of my active addiction I heard “just stop” so many times it became a joke with me.  Whenever I heard it I would usually respond with something like, “gee, I hadn’t thought about that, thank you mister helper”, at which point I would generally turn, walk away and mumble something profane under my breath.  As well meaning as you may be, telling an alcoholic to “just stop” makes as much sense as telling a baby to “stop crying” when he gets hungry.

Second, don’t you think we want to stop?  Toward the end, my life had become so unmanageable and I wanted to quit so badly, I would have sold my soul to stop drinking.  In fact, death would have been preferable to the life I was living but I was too cowardly to take my own life.  Trust me, at our core, in the fleeting moments of clarity we do have…we want to stop.  We just don’t know how.

Third, how does one quit something that has become the most important thing in our lives?  More important than family, job, faith…alcohol has become our god.  We are terrified to quit the very thing that is killing us because we believe it gives us life.

So why is it so hard to quit something that we want desperately to quit?  The answer is simple to verbalize but complex to understand.  We don’t like who we are or what we see when we look in the mirror.  Only through the lenses of alcohol can we tolerate ourselves.  We are afraid. We are looking for acceptance, but feel unworthy of receiving acceptance.  We desperately want to fit in and the things that we fear the most are made easier by alcohol.

So, why don't we “just stop”?  We can’t.  Why do we drink?  Because it works…until it doesn’t work anymore, but that is for another day.