Living with regret

I was thinking last night about regret and how spending too much time living in regret can be a weighty burden.  I was thinking about regret in context with my relationship with my kids.  There are many times I was physically at events my kids were involved in, but I wasn't mentally or emotionally there.  Ballgames, plays, recitals...there, but not there.

I often determined how long I would stay or even go at all, based on whether or not I could take a stash of booze or drink enough to make it through.  I was the dad that always had a styrofoam cup handy, convinced I was the only one who knew.  The thing is, I was fooling very few people.  Most everyone knew I was drinking.

Now that I am sober, I cringe thinking about the things I did just so I could drink.  Regrets, I have many, but if I focus on those I will get stuck there.  There is a saying in recovery that I am learning to live by.  "It is okay to look back, just don't stare".  By looking back I can remember how bad things got but if I stare those things might pull me back in.

Regret can be a sobriety killer.  Regret can trick you into believing you are not good enough, that you are only as good as your last failure.  How can you grow if you spend time beating yourself up for the should of's and I wish I had's that we all have?  I can't change the past and I can't control the future, but I can be present and accounted for today.  Today I choose sobriety and clarity so that I can be the kind of father my kids need and want me to be.

These days I go to everything I can that my kids are involved with.  I do it with a sense of peace that my kids know I am not only there, I am THERE.